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| I just want to end my misery | | |
| I am back I guess. Out of frustration. Angst. I'm pulling my hair out kind of thing. LDR. LDR. I have found myself in a year long relationship with Chris...with it's ups and downs...and now I'm struggling with a Long Distance Relationship. This is no relationship. This is walking suicide. I'm a getting more and more furious because of his busy schedule. I'm frustrated because Chris hasn't fucking sense to buy a damn calling card. WTF?! WHY NOT?! I just want to scream and rant about this. ALL of my other friends are asking me the same thing. Has he called?! NO! Who in the right mind would have NOT called someone back home already...if they even gave to HOOTs of a fucking damn. The few times I was over seas I CALLED MY PARENTS AND MY EX EVERY DAMN FUCKING DAY ON A PAY PHONE! And when my other ex was overseas...HE CALLED ME FROM SPAIN EVERY SINGLE DAY! Yes, I understand he's busy. He's trying to find things. Blah blah blah. I'm about to cave to all the background noise of everyone around me. They've had to deal with relationships overseas...My friend's who have husbands over in Iraq know it's difficult. I would understand if Chris was not able to talk or call everyday if he was fighting in the War. But he's not. He's a student who's going to Germany. I can't but help but think I am being taken granted for. This is my note I want to send him... chris. time is not anything that should get in the way. when there is a will there is a way. my suggestion is get your fucking act together and stop freaking out. take charge stop blaming everything on your fucking items. I'm seriously tired of all your damn excuses on why you can't talk honestly. no internet. no phone. no blah blah blah blah. you're too busy. you're too this. And how you need me this...don't leave you...chris! CHRIS! YOU ARE GIVING ME A BUNCH OF B.S! FOR CHRIST SAKE USE THE GIFT I GAVE YOU! IT HAS INTERNET CONNECTION TOO DAMNIT!
Your luck sucks because you make it suck! It's not me who gives you luck Chris. You are the only person that either believe in it or not!
&&
how can you tell me that you have time to be social making friends?! that's infuriating and hurtful to me! REALLY?! WTF?!
Too fucking busy to even set aside to fucking talk?! don't give me anymore b.s about you being too busy. Just don't. i don't fucking believe you.
(sigh) I love you but really?! really?! I want things to work out, I have so much hope. But these past few weeks are stabbing me in the heart. A relationship is about two people on the same pathway. To carry the burden together. To find ways to communicated. Chris. Why haven't you even bothered to call?! | | |
| He makes me want to grab, clutch tightly
try to force his being inside of me
ever closer but it's just that...
he will never be close
enough.
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| This past week...the whole week I had been struggling with myself. I had just let Chris in with all his jokes and laughter in just too far...so far that it started to hurt when I would think of him throughout the day. Silly of me yes.
I was telling Mae on the doorstep that hell, I'd been with many people but I hadn't gotten so emotionally involved so quickly for a long time. Yes, everything is fast with me, just this time it was faster. I was getting fed up with my thoughts and the hurt in my chest because I couldn't truly tell him how I felt--not without all the doubt setting in. I felt that had I said anything I think I would have been shot down.
So last night I was balling my eyes out when Mae came home. I had accidentally passed out in the hallway because well I couldn't hold my own anymore. I had let the comfort of darkness overwhelm me. I woke up about two hours later only to realize that hell it was around 11 and Chris had signed off...
I had been trying to let him go just so I could stop this business of missing him. The idea of just letting him go was tearing me up inside, but I suppose it had to be done at the moment in time.
Thankfully, Mae helped me realize that damnit I knew I was making a wrong choice...and I should risk just the comfort of friendship by pushing things for more...
I haven't asked out a kid since middle school. So, the pressure was on when she said I didn't have the courage or guts to ask him. She told me to ask him in the morning, but I think had I waited for morning...my courage wouldn't have been there....
So I'm going to keep the memory to myself about the silliness of the situation, but...Chris and I have a label now...despite my not liking them. But I have to say...my chest is lighter...and I can still act independent but at least I have something to lean my shoulder on, something to cling to. Gives me hope.
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| My heart aches...this is it, I swear it is. Just imagine hearing a tragedy except ten times the size engulfing your chest. As much as I enjoy talking to Chris...he's really got me scrambling in the opposite direction scared shitless. I honestly don't know how to take how I'm feeling at all. There isn't time to think, what's the easiest thing to do? Run?
Mom was ragging on me all weekend asking me--bugging, prodding, nagging, "Who are you texting...who are you spending SO MUCH TIME with on your computer." Not to mention she pulled me aside to say, "Just because you hardly wear any clothes at home doesn't mean you should be acting as such on a computer young lady!" (shaking head, sorry Mom....)
Because surprise surprise, who was I texting? Jankies, I'm like a kid in a candy store when I get a text from him. (shaking head more)
"Sometimes the game you play doesn't apply." I've been hearing that all damn week. Ya'll hell right it don't! But what am I suppose to do? I've been trying ever fucking reason to just say stop, stop, I just don't want to lose you as a friend, but damn, damn, I don't want you to stop holding my hand.
I'm sitting in confusion.
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